by John Grant
While the newspapers have been full of President George W.
Bush's celebrated War on Terrorism, a far more disturbing item of
terrorism-related news has gone largely unreported in the major
media. Fortunately, details have reached the ears of
Entertainment Geekly, and our Investigative Journalism
Dept. has swung into graphic action.
The FBI first became suspicious that the nation might be under
attack by hostile foreign elements when repeated reports between
1990 and 1993 in US medical journals showed the rates of cardiac
arrest among males aged 40-60 years skyrocketing. In 1994,
however, the rates suddenly dropped off again, before beginning
to steadily increase once more.
"There seemed to be no reason for this," explained FBI Special
Investigator Clancy Grisham, "until one of my assistants pointed
out that the 1994 drop coincided precisely with the approval by
the FDA of viagra for general use."
Could it be that viagra reduced the risk of heart disease? The
clinical trials seemed to show exactly the opposite, which is why
the drug was approved only to be available by prescription.
Sifting through the evidence in countless files buried in a
Quantico basement seemed to provide no clue, and the observation
of Investigator Grisham's assistant was on the road to being
dismissed as referring to nothing more than a statistical
It was then, however, that a breakthrough came. In those
instances where the deceased had been under full-scale
investigation by the FBI, so that completed inventories of the
deceased's abode had been compiled, it was observed that in a
statistically highly significant 17% of instances a particular
video title had been noted among the deceased's possessions.
This video was called Berserker Alien Nurses from Planet
XXX Raunch Hotly in Kabul.
The FBI managed to obtain copies of this clandestine video,
and subjected it to intense scrutiny. "Three fine servants of the
US public sacrificed their lives," summarized Investigator
Further data was coming from the files. Among the relevant
victims, 78% were science-fiction fans. Photographs of the
interiors of the relevant victims' home showed that, more often
than not, junk had been cleared off the floor, as if to minimize
potential delays, in a direct trajectory between the couch and
the bedroom -- or, in the cases of many of the science-fiction
fans, between the couch and the bathroom. At least 10% of the
victims had put turbans on their inflatable rubber dolls.
"Finally," says Investigator Grisham, "we were able to analyze
the movie using teams of volunteers, each of whom were permitted
to watch only thirty seconds of footage from this eight-hour
movie in any one day."
Despite the title, the setting of the movie is apparently
Anytown, USA. The plot is simplicity itself. A giant flying
saucer lands on a Friday evening, and from it pour hundreds or
more stunningly attractive alien women wearing nothing but
turbans. They sprint into town just as the bars are closing. At
this point the formal plot concludes and the opening titles
"I've seen some hot stuff in my time," expands Investigator
Grisham, "but this one takes the biscuit. We had one guy collapse
just trying to get the cellophane off the box."
A fervent investigation began into the origins of the movie,
which bore no distributor's logo nor any other unambiguous sign
of a production company. "Mickey Mouse dressed as the Sorcerer's
Apprentice was clearly a forgery," added Investigator Grisham,
"as was the image of the Statue of Liberty. Both were wearing
turbans, just for a start. And if Mickey's really hung like that
he's in the wrong business."
Examination of the victims' credit-card records revealed there
were at least twenty mail-order and internet retail sources of
the video within the continental United States, of which the
largest was the Manhattan store Times Square Babes-O-O-Rama,
discreetly tucked away under the NBC ad.
Proprietor Mike "The Bald" Acci, brought in for questioning,
explained that he had no idea where the videos came from.
"I turn up each Monday evening," he explained recently to an
EG staffer, "and there's this big truck dumping crates
full of Berserker Alien Nurses on the front doorstep.
Ain't no invoices with them, so I just sell them anyway. I don't
know what's in the movies. I don't watch the stuff, see? I just
sell it. I'm a Barney the Dinosaur fan myself."
Under FBI interrogation, Barney the Dinosaur denied all
knowledge of Mr. Acci.
Armed with this information, FBI squads under the direction of
Investigator Grisham mounted a covert surveillance operation of
Times Square Babes-O-O-Rama, and confirmed Mr. Acci's
"It took us some weeks before we had a great intuitive leap,"
says Investigator Grisham with a wry smile, "and decided to
follow the truck when it left."
The trail led to New York Harbor, Dock 13, and to the
container ship Taliban Pride. Details of further
investigations have been suppressed by John Ashcroft, but
Investigator Grisham is permitted to summarize the
"The truth is truly chilling," he told us. "Sometime in the
Fall of 1989, Osama bin Laden conceived the idea of launching
upon the US public a porn video so devastatingly raunchy as to be
injurious to the health. Near a cave complex forty miles outside
Kabul, a complete replica of a small Midwestern town was
constructed. The actors -- if such they can be called -- were
volunteers recruited from all over London, the otherwise proud
capital of Ireland. Other participants were borrowed from Kabul
Zoo. Special effects were created by a disgruntled ex-employee of
Gerry Anderson, although we've no idea who did the saucer
"As soon as the movie was completed -- a process that took the
makers only ten feverish days -- a whispering campaign was
started on the internet to the effect that this was the most
explicitly sexual porn flick ever made, and that it was a certain
cure for male arousal dysfunction syndrome. The rest was easy --
easy for these enemies of free speech and democracy."
In the wake of these discoveries, FBI repositories were set up
clandestinely all over the US for the impounding of copies of the
offending tape. An unnamed crematory in Georgia was requisitioned
for the disposal of said videos.
"We managed to contain the problem," says Investigator Grisham
proudly, "but to this day we have been unable to eliminate it
entirely, and certainly there are still copies of Berserker
Alien Nurses from Planet XXX Raunch Hotly in Kabul, both
original and pirated, available on the market. We do derive some
satisfaction from the fact that Taliban losses were actually
greater than our own. The mortality rates among their camera
crews, editors, sound recorders and so on were devastating, which
no doubt accounts for the current sorry state of the Afghan movie
Finally, our Investigative Journalism Dept. sought a comment
on the whole affair from the White House. A spokesman would say
only: "Look, damn you, it says here it was a pretzel."