by John Grant
Speaking exclusively tonight to a press conference comprising
representatives from Weekly World News, National
Enquirer, Sun Magazine and Entertainment
Geekly, Sir John Ashcroft star of the Buchanan
Channel's ever-popular Heeeeere's Johnny show
announced that a fresh suspect taken into custody had planned to
detonate a so-called Black Hole Bomb in an attempt to destroy the
"This heinous bastard, identified by our CIA/FBI joint liaison
team as a seventeen-year-old French national called Napoleon
Bonaparte, was apprehended in the Hoboken Chicken McNuggets
Psychiatric Hospital," said Sir John. "Claiming to be an
unemployed French chef, he has been undercover there for at least
two years as part of a sinister padded cell."
Pressed for further details, Sir John added: "The treacherous
worm talks in a funny accent and is obviously a Muslim because he
keeps invoking Allah. Our newly formed Security Commission is
even now using the information gained during interrogation of
Bonaparte to infiltrate newly formed Middle Eastern terrorist
organizations codenamed Allah Cart, Allah Mode and Allah
At this point the reporter from Sun Magazine attempted
to ask a question related to the Enron scandal.
"You anti-American turd!" snapped Sir John with all that boy-
next-door bonhomie that has made him a household favorite. "When
was the last time you went to church?"
The reporter was promptly escorted from the room by military
police and faces a tribunal in camera and the death penalty for
sedition, treason and voting for Hillary Clinton.
"We are still," continued Sir John, wiping foam from his lips,
"attempting to analyze the coded phrase used frequently by the
murderous Bonaparte: 'Pissov batard yanky and take votter merdy
Eurodisney avec voose, sal cotchon. Votter mere ay tay une
fornicateuse.' We are convinced this will lead us to the very
core of the fifth-columnist organization that has been attempting
to create a black hole out of easily obtainable over-the-counter
hardware in order to suck the whole universe into a giant flaming
vortex and thereby destroy the American way of life."
The reporter from Weekly Weird News attempted to divert
the discussion towards global warming and was summarily shot by
the MPs at Sir John's behest as a possible homosexualist and
enemy of the state.
"We are subpoenaing all Sears' sales records for the past
decade in the hopes of establishing a pattern of purchasing among
other possible members of the so-called Black Hole Gang,"
affirmed Sir John, mopping his brow and ramming his eyeballs back
into their sockets. "Individuals who have bought more than one
screwdriver a year will be automatically interned in Cuba and
tortured without trial, because everyone knows how extremely
handy a screwdriver is when you're building a black hole."
The reporter from the National Enquirer managed to get
out only the first few words of a question about voting
irregularities in Florida before being mowed down by an anti-tank
"Thus die all who threaten our glorious principles of
democracy and freedom of speech!" proclaimed Sir John proudly,
clambering up the curtains as the gobbets of flesh settled. "Are
there any further questions?"
"No," said the reporter from Entertainment Geekly.