by John Grant

Speaking exclusively tonight to a press conference comprising representatives from Weekly World News, National Enquirer, Sun Magazine and Entertainment Geekly, Sir John Ashcroft — star of the Buchanan Channel's ever-popular Heeeeere's Johnny show — announced that a fresh suspect taken into custody had planned to detonate a so-called Black Hole Bomb in an attempt to destroy the entire universe!

"This heinous bastard, identified by our CIA/FBI joint liaison team as a seventeen-year-old French national called Napoleon Bonaparte, was apprehended in the Hoboken Chicken McNuggets Psychiatric Hospital," said Sir John. "Claiming to be an unemployed French chef, he has been undercover there for at least two years as part of a sinister padded cell."

Pressed for further details, Sir John added: "The treacherous worm talks in a funny accent and is obviously a Muslim because he keeps invoking Allah. Our newly formed Security Commission is even now using the information gained during interrogation of Bonaparte to infiltrate newly formed Middle Eastern terrorist organizations codenamed Allah Cart, Allah Mode and Allah Bonchunce."

At this point the reporter from Sun Magazine attempted to ask a question related to the Enron scandal.

"You anti-American turd!" snapped Sir John with all that boy- next-door bonhomie that has made him a household favorite. "When was the last time you went to church?"

The reporter was promptly escorted from the room by military police and faces a tribunal in camera and the death penalty for sedition, treason and voting for Hillary Clinton.

"We are still," continued Sir John, wiping foam from his lips, "attempting to analyze the coded phrase used frequently by the murderous Bonaparte: 'Pissov batard yanky and take votter merdy Eurodisney avec voose, sal cotchon. Votter mere ay tay une fornicateuse.' We are convinced this will lead us to the very core of the fifth-columnist organization that has been attempting to create a black hole out of easily obtainable over-the-counter hardware in order to suck the whole universe into a giant flaming vortex and thereby destroy the American way of life."

The reporter from Weekly Weird News attempted to divert the discussion towards global warming and was summarily shot by the MPs at Sir John's behest as a possible homosexualist and enemy of the state.

"We are subpoenaing all Sears' sales records for the past decade in the hopes of establishing a pattern of purchasing among other possible members of the so-called Black Hole Gang," affirmed Sir John, mopping his brow and ramming his eyeballs back into their sockets. "Individuals who have bought more than one screwdriver a year will be automatically interned in Cuba and tortured without trial, because everyone knows how extremely handy a screwdriver is when you're building a black hole."

The reporter from the National Enquirer managed to get out only the first few words of a question about voting irregularities in Florida before being mowed down by an anti-tank missile.

"Thus die all who threaten our glorious principles of democracy and freedom of speech!" proclaimed Sir John proudly, clambering up the curtains as the gobbets of flesh settled. "Are there any further questions?"

"No," said the reporter from Entertainment Geekly.